its been a while

since she moved out of the distant lights

but now shes counting on all the precious nights

shes waiting for someone to come help her see

shes not alone, shes also me

writing alone

thats what its seems to be but

as long as she stays strong, she knows she’ll never be alone

cuz if shes still got her spirit

then shes still got her throne

She had so much fun over the weekend. She loved it so much, hanging out with people who actually made her happy, made her laugh. Then came Monday. Wow, what a day. She’s drowning in work. She’s got these guys trying to mess with her or something. She’s just lost. Her head is spinning out of control and the amount of stress she faces keeps her up all night. She just wants to have a relaxing time. But she does have to admit that the weekend made her happy. She felt loved and laughed so much she was crying. Good crying. That’s rare. No worries for over 6 hours, because people made her happy. She wants to feel like that always. At least she was temporarily less stressed. She gives the world credit for that.

It feels like she can never be good enough. She tries so hard but can’t focus. She wants to be strong but doesn’t know how anymore. Why try anymore? Why not just end everything? She can’t. She knows that. She won’t. But god, it gets so tempting. She doesn’t know who she is. When her smile is real or not. She finds herself worrying about the smallest things. Prom isn’t till a year and a half later, but she feels insecure about herself and just doesn’t want to go. She stresses out for the smallest things, trying to find something, anything that she can find control over in her life. There doesn’t seem to be anything. She just wants something to herself. Something that’s hers. Anything. Just something that could be near enough.

Empty. Feels like there’s a gaping hole. Do you know who you are? Because she sure as hell doesn’t. She knows she ruins herself day by day. Constantly looking in the mirror thinking she isn’t good enough. She remembers not wanting to eat, thinking that people would never accept her; that she wasn’t good enough. That feeling doesn’t go away. Her appetite has lightened. Barely anyone notices but she doesn’t feel good enough to eat. She just feels broken. She doesn’t have an eating disorder or anything, don’t worry. But, she isn’t okay. Everyday something new happens, or she feels more and more insecure. Something always has to ruin her day. She misses having one good day. She wants to be happy. But she’s too broken.

She smiled today. A few times. Some real smiles. She felt warm in the freezing cold. Because of a little thing. A little sweater. Don’t laugh. It seems funny, she knows. But this is what it has come down to. Something had to make her happy, and this item; a sweater, seemed to be enough. This is what it has come down to. She doesn’t understand how to feel happy anymore, but now she is able to feel something. Smile a little more. She decides she will take what she can get, regardless of how temporary the happiness will be. She will stay strong, and try to smile. She will make everyone who hates her see she doesn’t care. Even if she is weak, she will pretend to be strong. She will look ahead and not behind. Or she’ll at least try. It’s funny how all of this was brought upon by a little thing.

She doesn’t really know how it’s going. Ever. She has fun once or twice, sure. But she comes home and feels alone. Feels like she has no one to talk to. She has been through so much. Seeing that boy on the street makes her feel like her heart is being strangled. Seeing that person; that girl who won’t leave her alone…makes her feel weak. Seeing that person, the one who makes her heart flutter, makes her wish she was never alive. She doesn’t feel safe. She just wants to feel happy. But does she even know that feeling? It’s been so long. She tries to find her escape. Laying in her bed every night, just thinking about her life. “Why can’t I find one thing? Just one thing to be thankful for”. She feels hopeless. She feels empty inside. Losing feeling, losing air, and losing hope.

this is her blog. so yeah.

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton