something’s missing i just can’t figure out what. oh wait. yes i can. i lost so many people, so many things are happening all at once. things are falling apart. so yes i feel empty. but i have to deal with it. and i will. its annoying though, having the same old empty feeling in your heart

why do i bother to care. i stay up and support you and listen to you all the time. im there for you. iv given up everything for u. but when it comes down to it, i cant rely on you. i never could. so why should i continue to care? Now i think im starting to realize who my real friends are. i realize that i cant continuously believe the best in people. i realize i need to be a better judgment of character. you can hit me as many times as you want. kick me when im down. uv done it so many times before. but im done with it. the next time u need me, i dont care. golden rule: treat people how you want to be treated. i treated you perfectly and you left me to drown. so guess what? i dont care.

that’s how i feel. everything just kind of fades away. instead of telling anyone anything, or getting anything off my chest, i keep holding it in. i don’t know how to talk about anything though. i don’t really know what is making me overall sad. i think it’s more i just feel lonely and scared and gosh the future is so freaky i am really not looking forward to it. this girl read my palm the other day and told me i will live long, and find love and happiness. i wanted to believe that but things have been so hard that i just can’t imagine what that so-called happiness could even be like. i know a lot of this may not make sense. i know it would be better if i gave some sort of explanation. but it’s just….unexplainable.

because I do

when you feel hated, it’s more painful every moment. when you feel alone and you’re hurting, feeling useless. no one likes that feeling. hate is a word that’s thrown around so easily but when it comes down to it, feeling hated is….inexpiable. one minute you’re smiling and making memories and then the next, you’re hit with something incredibly painful. you make the realization that some people aren’t really who you thought, or that you aren’t who you thought. i could never hate. but i am definitely capable of being hated. and that completely and utterly sucks.

I’m hurting. So bad that I can’t even explain it. I start shaking and crying and feel broken and stressed. I feel insecure to the point where I can’t take anymore pictures with anyone. I’m considering deleting the ones I have. I find a way to mess up every nice thing that I touch. Every friendship I’ve had, something goes wrong. Whether it’s me or them, I always end up hurt. And I hurt someone too. I’ve probably hurt a lot of people I don’t really know of. I’ve probably been messing up from before I knew what it meant to. I want to disappear. My greatest fear is loneliness, yet I lie to people just to be on my own. I rock back and forth in my room just crying, wanting someone to notice how badly I’m suffering. But I don’t even understand how terribly I’m doing. I can’t expect anyone else to. I’m rambling. I know this is sad. I know most people don’t want to read things like this. I’m sorry. I’m spreading sadness. I just don’t know where to go, what to do, how to act. I can’t even fake my smile right anymore. I look at it and think who is she? That’s not me. I don’t know who I am. I’m just…sad.

It hurts. I want to be able to go back through everything. Feel it all again. But I can’t. I don’t want to feel this way anymore. I’m just in pain. I don’t want to think about this day. I wish I never lived this day to begin with. But I did, and now I face the consequence.

There’s a point where you give up. Where you just can’t put in that effort anymore. I try so much just to please others. Try to please myself. I can’t live up to anyone’s expectations anymore. I have no energy; physically or emotionally. It’s taking everything in me right now to hold back. To not do something dangerous. I don’t know what else can fall apart. I’m so broken at this point that I don’t see any point in making those fake smiles. Honestly, it’s this point in my life where I just give up.

It’s almost 2019. A New Year. She knows she has been in a downward, depression spiral, but she wants to go into 2019 smiling, more confident, feeling loved. So she will try to change. She will try to be the best version of herself if she can find it. She just needs a clean slate, and maybe..just maybe, she can start liking herself as she is. Maybe she can feel good about herself for just one day. No more self consciousness, or at least minimize the feeling. Maybe this year will be the year she deletes all of those old, toxic conversations. Maybe she can actually get rid of those toxic people who hurt her to begin with. She’s gonna start this New Year off right, and keep it that way. It’ll be a completely new, clean slate.